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Wednesday, May 29, 2024

The Nightmare Of Attending An African Christmas Wedding

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First of all, don’t do it. There are valid reasons why you should never attend an African Christmas wedding. Especially, Nigerian weddings. Nigerians have several ideas for Christmas weddings and most of them are frightening. We do not mean that figuratively.

The Christmas season in Nigeria is a pretty impressive affair—it gets better when there’s a Christmas wedding. Food is in abundance, drinks flow generously and the meat just keeps coming. All the rich, influential relatives, including the sneaky ones who are the object of family gossip troops back to the village. There, welcome greetings come in droves, but felicitations are selective.

How Do Nigerians Welcome People During Christmas?

How Do Nigerians Welcome People During Christmas?

Beware of African uncles and aunties rushing to receive you as you alight from the car, bus, keke(tricycle) or motorcycle. With raucous sounds of excitement and grating shouts of ‘wey bread, wey bread.’ Depending on your mode of transportation or the energy that accompany your arrival, you’re either warmly received, treated casually or ignored.

If you’re too ecstatic, you don’t really have money. If you just smile and wave, maybe you have small change. But if you walk with an air of importance and only smile briefly, then you have deep pockets. The villagers welcoming you stop mid-cheer when you alight empty handed. They catch their lapse and quickly embrace you while they curl their lips in mockery over your shoulder. Later, in your absence, they’ll trade snide remarks.

Those who immediately alight and start sharing money or presents from the boots of their cars are the Odogwus. In this context, the Odogwus are the rich and bougie. Their doors are thrown open from their arrival to departure and everyone visits them to eat, make merry and complain about that one roof that is leaking.

There are tons of things slated to happen at a Nigerian wedding organized in December. If you’re a proper Nigerian you’ll know to stave off attending. If you must however attend, especially for Gen Zers, take heed of the following realities.

Why You Should Not Attend A Nigerian Wedding In December

An African Christmas Wedding
  1. In the grand scheme of things, a Nigerian Christmas is mostly for family reunions. It could be happy or bitter conventions and what better time to reunite than a Christmas wedding ceremony?.
  2. Most people attending a Nigerian Christmas wedding are secretly or openly cutthroat. Someone has to relay to the doubting Thomases the success of their nemesis’ 38 year old daughter’s wedding. Or there’s someone who needs a slot at the groom’s company. Either that, or there’s a Yankee husband to snag.
  3. Nigerian aunties will guffaw at the trendy Christmas ornaments used for the wedding decorations, the half-done rice and the groom’s shoe. Where are the traditional Nigerian wedding decorations?. When is the Amala and Ewedu, ukwa or nkwobi arriving?.
  4. You need to have an embarrassment of riches to splurge on the couples and their extended families. Listen, never go to a Nigerian Christmas wedding empty handed.
  5. keep dipping your hands into your deep pockets and you don’t need an introduction—the MC will announce it.
  6. If you’re a single lady approaching 30, wear a ring on your fourth finger. Seriously, if you don’t have, borrow one. The aunties will cackle at your inability to find a better half.
  7. Don’t drink too much, eat too much, laugh too much or look too sad. Haven’t you heard, too much of everything is bad!.
  8. Never let your mother be in attendance with that same wrapper or outfit she wore to August meeting. To attend a Nigerian Christmas wedding where there’s competition, you must dress to the nines.
  9. If you’ve been married longer than 2 months without any sign of fertility, don’t attend with your wife. Tongues will wag and your wife will cry.
  10. Don’t go to a Nigerian Christmas wedding if you’re a deportee, drug addict, fraudster or a failed Nigerian guy. People in these categories are the village pariahs. Villagers will treat them and their families with disdain.

An African Christmas Wedding For The Strong-willed

Nigerian marriage celebration

Regardless of the things said or done at Christmas weddings, if you’re strong-willed, you’re protected. Otherwise, you’re fed to the wolves—this is the African reality.

Go on and attend if you’re a believer in the spirit of Christmas and the spread of love, joy and cheer. Which is exactly what Christmas is about. A Christmas wedding should be all about reuniting and rekindling. A time where people forget about their worries and enjoy the company of each other. The event is centered on the couples. Shower them with hearty congratulations and appreciations. And reminisce old memories that will bring joy and laughter to everyone.

If this is you, then you’re safe to attend an African Christmas wedding.

Bride at An African Christmas Wedding

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